A Reminder: Rhode Island is the Best

Here is just a small sampling of reasons why Rhode Island is easily the best state in the country. Most of these points are ingrained in my mind as lore, and thus I am not bothering to fact check and assess the accuracy of my fervrent beliefs, lest I be disappointed. If you feel obliged to ensure that some of these points are factually accurate I would be happy to receive your comments, so long as they don't conflict with my deeply-rooted beliefs that I will now set forth...

• Rhode Island was the first state to rebel against England when a small group of Rhode Islanders belonging to the Sons of Liberty attacked, boarded, looted, and torched the British tax ship Gaspee in Narragansett Bay on June 9th, 1772.
  
• Ironically, Rhode Island was the last of the original 13 states to sign the Constitution, doing so only after the other 12 states threatened to tax Rhode Island as a foreign nation.
  
• The Industrial Revolution in America began with the construction of Slater Mill in Pawtucket, based on designs that Samuel Slater smuggled out of England.
  
• Rhode Islanders like drinking. The White Horse Tavern in Newport is the oldest tavern in the United States.
• Rhode Island never ratified the 18th Amendment establishing prohibition. I told you we like to drink.
  
• Roger Williams is credited with establishing the first practical and functioning democracy when he founded Rhode Island after being kicked out of Massachusetts for his seditious ideas about free speech and freedom of religion. The founding fathers credited much of the first amendment to his ideas.
• Rhode Island has a long history of waspy pursuits, including the first Polo game played in the U.S. and housing the Tennis Hall of Fame. It also has the first carousel ever built in the U.S.
• It is the smallest state with the biggest name... officially 'Rhode Island and Providence Plantations'. Interestingly, there are no plantations remotely close to RI.
  
• Rhode Island is home to the largest bug in the world. Seriously.

• The X-Games began in Rhode Island in 1995.
• The Talking Heads started in Rhode Island.
  
• Rhode Island is home to toy-maker Hasbro, creators of such childhood wonders as Lincoln Logs, Cabbage Patch Kids, Mr. Potato Head, Easy Bake Oven, GI Joe, Transformers, Nerf, and Lite-Brite.
• We have the highest rate of illicit drug use in the country, and the highest rate of individuals who drink. Accordingly, Rhode Island made medicinal marijuana legal. We're really fun to hang out with.
• We get all four seasons, and we bitch and moan about each one of them.
  

Dog Fever: Phase III Clinical Trials

Despite the fact that there seem to be no epidemiological studies regarding the prevalence of Canis fibris, more commonly known as 'dog fever', nor any biological studies assessing the level of antibody response to any potential vaccines, I feel that it is my duty to move ahead with my own personal phase III trials of a live attenuated vaccine for this crippling illness.

Perhaps I should clarify... there's been an awful lot of talk about dogs around these parts. Steve has a dog (not to mention an ambulance tank), Fraser's household is getting a dog... dogs, dogs, dogs. Its an epidemic! I've got the fever and I feel as though the only cure is a live attenuated theraputic vaccine (read: puppy)... or more cowbell. When people are offering to check on the availability of free German Shepard puppies you simply can't say no.

Rushing into a phase III trial such as this is never the recommended course of action, but desperate times call for desperate measures. All you concerned public health professionals who don't actually read this might be thinking, 'but what about the potenial for adverse effects?' Well your concern is duly noted and it is not without great trepidation that I consider the options laid out before me:

1. Obtain said puppy, inject multiple doses of subsequent happiness, hope for a clinically significt immune response.
   
2. Delay aquistion of aforementioned vaccine until September, at which time studies asessing the potential for adverse affects and methods to minimize them will have been completed.
3. Decline to receive vaccine, hope that illness self-resolves in a reasonable amount of time.

The potential adverse effects are not to be taken lightly, and include the following: (1) consternation among roommates [mild to moderate risk], (2) anger and/or potential punititve action from landlord [mild risk], (3) decline in earning as a result of maintence costs [high risk], and (4) severe separation anxiety should malaria summer research project proceed as planned [moderate risk].

As editor-in-chief of this prestigious medical journal I would ask that my esteemed colleagues weigh in on the subject... this means you imaginary readership. The decision to proceed, delay, or cancel this trial will have to be made with all due haste.

~Dr. Wade Greenwood, Professor of Zoontic Illness

LOST, Shootouts at the OK Corral, and... well thats it

Dear BBC News,

I have often regarded you as a superior news source due to the fact that you're, well... British. Its not that I think the British are better or smarter than we Americans... quite the contrary, with the exception of maybe John Oliver, Ricky Gervais, and David Bowie (I'm only counting the living, I'm also a fan of Churchill, Lennon, Darwin, Tolkien and Alexander Flemming).

No, I'd hate to live on your rainy island full of rude people, but its precisely your 'get to the point', 'stiff upper lip' attitude that makes for reporters who the trim the bullshit out of news. You're also about 9 hours ahead of lazy California, so for reporting on the rest of the world, you're on top of it while I'm still asleep. But you ruined it for me today, and here's why...

Shoot Second in Gunfight, Study Finds... well of course that's listed on your homepage under 'Other Top Stories', who wouldn't want to read that? You'd never see that in the New York Times. Naturally I'm curious why I should wait to be shot at before returning fire. CLICK!

Oh, the actual title of the article is "People Are Quicker When Reacting Than When Initiating"... talk about a sexy title that really grabs you. Nevertheless, I read on... "Inspired by Hollywood, researchers have delved into the science of gunfights."

Timeout. Who are these researchers and how did they get IRB approval? I must know more... perhaps I can join their study for my summer internship (suck it malaria!)

"Pairs of participants were put in a button-pressing competition with each other. Each was secretly given instructions of how long to wait before pushing a row of buttons." This is getting lame...

And the clincher, "Dr Welchman explained that it took around 200 milliseconds to respond to what an opponent was doing, so, in a gunfight, the 21 millisecond reactionary advantage would be unlikely to save you."

So to recap, we went from "wait to get shot at before you fire back", to "people react fast when other people are pushing buttons", to "well, you should probably shoot that bastard first".

Thanks BBC. I'm not sure if you're aware of the tenets of AP Journalist style writing, but you're supposed to put the most important information at the beginning of the article and fill in the lesser details as you go along. You're going to have blood on your hands if you keep this up.

Speaking of shootouts...

LOST!

Yep, the beginning of the end is here. Season Six. I've been addicted since the first episode, so despite all the curiosity, frustration and rage it has cost me over the better half of a decade, I'm seeing it through 'til the end. People are obsessed with this show and thus we have innumerable amounts of fan websites, blogs, blah, blah, blah. People love talking about their theories, and I can't really comment on them because I haven't really read any of them.

I take an 'I'll wait in anxiety-induced agony' approach to LOST (it seems inappropriate to not capitalize all the letters... greating marketing folks they've got). I haven't really bothered to read lots of theories about what the hell is going on with that show because (a) JJ Abrams and his cronies haven't actually told that guy on the message board anything, (b) JJ Abrams did a really solid job of recreating Star Trek, and (c) I was raised Irish-Catholic, so by nature I don't question things I don't understand, I just wait until next week when more of God's truth is revealed.

The only theory I've developed is very simple, mostly because I don't have the time or willpower to go back through the last five seasons to see what events in the show do or do not support it (also I'm pretty sure theres lots of other people with this same theory).

1. The island is Eden
2. Jacob & 'the other guy in black' (aka New John Locke, aka Smoke Monster... Smoky John) are the angels that God placed at the east entrance of Eden after he kicked Adam & Eve out (Genesis 3:24)
3. Smoky John has fallen from grace because he's not down with how destructive and stupid we humans are (anyone seen Dogma?)
4. Smoke Monster killed Mr. Echo, and he was a badass religious guy. Smoke Monster must have felt threatened.
   
5. Jacob has risen again as Sayid to wage war on Smoky John. Season six should be action packed.
   

The fact that the season premiere of LOST was perhaps the most cathartic two hours of my life in the past couple months means I'm a pretty sad state of affiars. Maybe it was just the Maker's Mark...

Shut It Down!

Goodbye Twitter... you were a mildly intriguing experiment for a couple weeks, and then a bland one that sat around for a couple months. I never took the time to understand what the '#' and 'RT' and '@' meant in all that twitter jargon, perhaps that knowledge is the key to an enjoyable night at home with that little blue bird. Alas, I apparently just don't have the insight that celebrities, mildly illiterate pro athletes, and desperate corporations have.

Sorry crying blue bird, it IS goodbye. You just weren't enough for me... 140 characters? I need a social media tool that can handle at least 190, I have needs dammit! And this 'Okay, fine delete my account button'? Why the attitude? Can't this be civil?

At least I still have Eduardo the Pig Blog.

Why did I delete my Twitter account? Well I initially created it so that I could just post lots of links from the hours of wasted time I spend reading the news online. I quickly became annoyed with having to log into yet another website for which I could never remember the password just to post links to news that no one else cares about. Also, Twitter is like blogging for lazy, illiterate people. And I'm pretty sure bloggers are already pretty lazy.

Rapid Post 3 of 3!

Dear Diary, er... Blog,

This is the third in a series of rapid posts which I've heaped upon you this weekend, I do apologize for the burden. I know that sometimes I ignore you for weeks, leaving you with no choice but to scour the internet for discarded word scraps for sustenance. And then of course there are days like today where my 'Blathering' switch is stuck in the 'ON' position. I know that you will, as always, ride the wave that is my sporadic literary outpouring with style, grace, and poise. You're a fucking champ.

On to business... Space!

Yes, I'm going. I started saving up today. For $200,000 Sir Richard Branson will strap you into his SpaceShipTwo (creative!) and shoot you to the edge of space for 10 minutes. He's obviously in cahoots with Obama. To all my public health colleagues, while you spend a quarter million on med school, I'm going to be in space! For 10 minutes! I'm hoping that perhaps I can subsidize the cost of this expedition by gaining some employment as a space-steward(ess?). At the moment the Virgin Galactic website is sorely lacking that 'Employment' link at the bottom of their website that you so often see elsewhere. I'm going to have to write Richard a letter...

In other news, I went to the horse race track in Berkeley today. It was as silly as I'd expected it to be, but they had $1 beers and hot dogs. The vendor asked me, "you don't mind horse meat, right?". Well whatever was in those hot dogs, it was delicious. The whole experience really made me want to go to the Kentucky Derby to witness the full-blown absurdity of the mash-up of gentrified southern culture and the chain-smoking, drunken, dregs of society (to which, by that description, I suppose I belong). Hunter S. Thompson was right.

Lastly, as always, the Pro Bowl failed to resemble any semblance of a meaningful football game. Please take it out back and shoot it.

Livestock Justice!

This is the type of justice we really need to get back to here in the United States...

"A Malaysian court has fined a man and a woman four buffaloes and a pig after they were found guilty of an extra-marital affair, a local report says."

The Chowdah Economy

I'd like to call attention to some comments from New York Governor David Paterson that were in a recent Politico article about the 2 or 3 New York politicians actually sticking their necks out for 'Wall Street'.

"In New York, Wall Street is Main Street," Paterson told a receptive audience at the Museum of American Finance in December. “You don’t hear anybody in New England complaining about clam chowder. If you say anything about oil in Texas, they’ll string you up near the nearest tree. We need to stand behind the engine of our economy in New York and that engine of economy is Wall Street.”

A few points regarding this... First, its 'chow-dah', and its better than that red crap you serve in your state. Second, three-quarters of New England's economy is based on commercial machinery, instruments, chemicals, and transportation equipment. Third, New York City has five Main Streets. And lastly, David Paterson, you are an ill-informed asshole hoping to win re-election as governor of New York despite having the lowest-ever approval ratings for a governor of that state... sounds like you're looking for some handouts to finance your campaign.

Addendum:

For the record, no one in New England complains about clam chowdah because its fucking delicious.