Dog Fever: Phase III Clinical Trials

Despite the fact that there seem to be no epidemiological studies regarding the prevalence of Canis fibris, more commonly known as 'dog fever', nor any biological studies assessing the level of antibody response to any potential vaccines, I feel that it is my duty to move ahead with my own personal phase III trials of a live attenuated vaccine for this crippling illness.

Perhaps I should clarify... there's been an awful lot of talk about dogs around these parts. Steve has a dog (not to mention an ambulance tank), Fraser's household is getting a dog... dogs, dogs, dogs. Its an epidemic! I've got the fever and I feel as though the only cure is a live attenuated theraputic vaccine (read: puppy)... or more cowbell. When people are offering to check on the availability of free German Shepard puppies you simply can't say no.

Rushing into a phase III trial such as this is never the recommended course of action, but desperate times call for desperate measures. All you concerned public health professionals who don't actually read this might be thinking, 'but what about the potenial for adverse effects?' Well your concern is duly noted and it is not without great trepidation that I consider the options laid out before me:

1. Obtain said puppy, inject multiple doses of subsequent happiness, hope for a clinically significt immune response.
   
2. Delay aquistion of aforementioned vaccine until September, at which time studies asessing the potential for adverse affects and methods to minimize them will have been completed.
3. Decline to receive vaccine, hope that illness self-resolves in a reasonable amount of time.

The potential adverse effects are not to be taken lightly, and include the following: (1) consternation among roommates [mild to moderate risk], (2) anger and/or potential punititve action from landlord [mild risk], (3) decline in earning as a result of maintence costs [high risk], and (4) severe separation anxiety should malaria summer research project proceed as planned [moderate risk].

As editor-in-chief of this prestigious medical journal I would ask that my esteemed colleagues weigh in on the subject... this means you imaginary readership. The decision to proceed, delay, or cancel this trial will have to be made with all due haste.

~Dr. Wade Greenwood, Professor of Zoontic Illness