A Letter to Eduardo

Dear Eduardo,

Thanks for doing such a swell job of keeping my blog neat and tidy. You always know just where to put all the posts, the right tags to insert and are always there to remind me that I use far too many commas. Sadly I like commas too much for this to ever really be remedied, but its great that you try. You're the best stuffed pig ever, and you look great in that mask, but I'm sure you get that all the time.

Anyways, I wanted to update you on the goings-on in my life, since we haven't stayed in touch so well as of late. I'm sure you've been busy doing fit-test demonstrations for N-95's, but hopefully with flu season dying down you've had some time to relax. I've been busy with schoolwork, as usual, but it so often takes a backseat to my more pressing interests that I guess its hard to say I'm actually busy with it. Hmmmm.

Of semi-importance is that I've decided to stay here in Berkeley for the summer, rather than going to Zanzibar. Not an easy choice to make, but I think it is the best decision at the moment, and will allow me to stay with my job at CIDER and work full time there during the summer. You should come visit sometime.

Bethany will be here on Thursday to visit for a few days, which is sweet, seeing that our sibling powers grow exponentially when we're not separated by a bunch of worthless states that have no coastline. A week later I will be going to Tahoe to fall down a mountain over and over (I've only snowboarded twice, and the last time was 9th grade) and hopefully escape with only stress fractures and minor lacerations. In April I'm going to the Coachella music festival, and myself, Gail, Megha, and Mary have received a small grant award to purchase a bulk-order of condoms and pass them out for free at the festival to promote safe-sex and STD education. Even when doing something as seemingly cool as going to a 3-day music festival in the desert, I've found a way to nerd-it-up.

Speaking of nerds, as we were leaving Safeway in North Berkeley yesterday (we being myself, Megha, Rachel, Colleen, and Karen) in Megha's tiny Mini-Cooper, as we pulled out of our spot and rounded the corner to exit the lot, some random dude just looked at us and shouted 'Nerds!'. That guy had no idea how right he was. Its not every day you have a car full of infectious disease grad students to insult. Bravo sir.

Lastly, I'm still very much planning on getting a dog. Its going to have to wait until I get a new place to live in July, but its happening, and here's why:

Chloe is an 8-week old German Shepard ball-of-fluff who belongs to my friend Emily. How can that not make you want your own dog? My only requirement for a dog is that it be intelligent enough to chase down and return discs for me. I've been looking for a new best friend to play catch with and a dog seems as though it would do the trick. So stay tuned for that.

I'm also still adamant about getting a vehicle. I'm trying to justify getting a truck because it would not be a commuting vehicle, but would instead be reserved for trips and whatnot to god-knows-where. Also I could chop wood and leave it in the bed, and would feel like more of a man. Also I just really want to take advantage of that cheap insurance that comes with turning 25.

Anyways, sorry to get off-track Eduardo. I hope everything is well back home. I'll see you over my spring break.

Yours Through Hell or High Water,

Dr. W

The Results Are In!

Dear Faithful Readership,



I was impressed to find out that you actually exist (nice to meet you). By putting that little poll on my blog, I figured I was setting myself up for a winning 'next blog topic' based on whatever I put my one vote towards. Well, apparently 11 other people actually managed to read this at least once and vote on what my next topic should be... I must say I have no idea who you are. Well, I know who maybe 4 of you are (hi Charles!). Regardless, thank you for your valuable time.



Winning Topic: Those Aren't Funny, Write About Beer



I'm glad enough of you voted in such a manner that I don't actually have to write anything about public health, because public health is the worst. But, since I'm a strong believer in the whole 'will of the majority with respect to the minority' concept (hooray Constitution), I'll indulge the nerds that threw some votes to two of the other topics I presented. This will also be an exercise in presenting to you how horribly illiterate and braindead your children will be once all cogent thoughts are reduced to to Twitter updates and Facebook statuses. Thus I present to you, two Twitter essays...





Yes, H1N1 was a Pandemic

h1n1 a pandemic due 2 worldwide spread, high rate of infctn & change in disease demographics. Pandemic ≠ high death rate necessarily. OMG!

138 Characters





What I Learned at the Public Health Preparedness Summit

ATL not so great, LOL. Use grad students 4 CERT teams. Google Earth = open source GIS tool. Use cluster sampling for vax plan. Hotel nice.

139 Characters





Stayed tuned for my next post: Those Aren't Funny, Write About Beer

This is Going to Revolutionize My Laziness

Hi Blog,

I got a new computer yesterday. Well, its 4 months used, but its new to me. Ebay saves you lots of money. Its a 13" MacBook Pro, its got more memory, battery life, processing power, etc, etc than my PowerBook G4 (you served me well). But none of that is important, what is important is this small, cheap little device that the seller included with my purchase...

This is the Apple Remote, and it is neither new, nor improved. It retails for $19 and it is extraordinarily simplistic in its design. Despite its modest appearance, its function is without a doubt phenomenal.

Like many of you, I enjoy lying in bed, surrounded by the warmth and comfort that said bed provides. In fact, I probably enjoy it more than you, because my bed is unnecessarily enormous (its a California King, appropriate no?). Nothing upsets me more than having to drag myself out of bed to turn off the repetitive music on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia DVD title screens at 3am once I've passed out after selecting 'Play All'. Sometimes I even fail to set the volume to a proper level and have to get out of bed to adjust it! Its horrible.

Well all that is in the past. The Apple Remote can handle all my media needs from the comfort of my oversized bed. This little device is going to revolutionize my laziness.

P.S.

Interestingly enough (or not), when you search 'California King' on Wikipedia, it automatically directs you to the generic entry for 'Bed'. It starts off with the history of beds...

"Early beds were little more than piles of straw or some other natural material. An important change was raising them off the ground, to avoid draughts, dirt, and pests..."

Props to whoever thought of that one, I'd hate to be down there among the dirt and pests.

I've Made a Huge Mistake

So tonight I had to get over to Lafayette, CA. Its just on the other side of the hills from Berkeley. I took the BART to within about 2.5 miles of my destination, and then proceeded to ride my bike the rest of way. I had it all mapped out, I knew the potential to get lost in suburbia was high, so I wrote down all the turns I needed to make. However, I did not consult a topographic map.

Topographic maps, as I'm realizing, are very important in California. They inform you when you simply shouldn't be trying to scale a certain vertical pitch, let alone try and ride your bike up one. Unfortunately for me, the highest point in Rhode Island is the landfill, so I'm not used to worrying about drastic increases in elevation. Well, I suppose I got what was coming to me tonight.

Below are two maps for comparison. The first is the route I took, the second is the route I should have taken. The difference in elevation is several hundred feet.

Elevation at the Orinda BART station is 476 feet. After turning onto Bates Blvd, I was greeted with a elevation rise from 518 feet to 892 feet in 0.6 miles. This is no Mt. Everest, but when you have a few pints in you, its more than you'd like to surmount. To say the hike uphill was arduous would be an understatement.

After reaching peak elevation at 892 feet, I descended to an elevation of 602 feet in just 0.4 miles. To say I wasn't worried about my brakes failing or careening off a cliff in the dark on the way down would be a lie. The suburbs are not well lit. Halfway down I rode past the home of the Consulate-General of Cyprus. I was too distraught to stop in and say hello.

Learn from my mistakes, please consult your topographic maps.

Also: Senator Evan Bayh writes an Op-Ed in the NYT on why he's leaving the Senate...

It's Time for a Post With Some Substance

I've spent most of my recent posts writing about recent developments in my life in what could, at best, be described as semi-articulate ranting. This is all well and good, but once in a while I'd like to, as my high school Latin teach Miss Tom would say, 'engage brain'. So I leave it up to you, imaginary readership... what should I write about?

I realize the potential for my own immense disappointment at lack of responses to this poll, but seeing that I don't actually expect any, and I am allotting myself one vote, I will undoubtedly produce a winning option, so its a win-win-win-win situation, as Michael Scott would so aptly describe it.

You will find the poll in the sidebar of this here blog, next to Eduardo. Happy voting.

Also, for your consumption: 'Ohio Man Builds 'Man Cave' Out of Snow'

Working Undercover for the Man: Part 3

The worst part about this conference? It has limited my viewing of the Olympics. Speaking of the Olympics, 'Oh look! They're showing Tony Dungy in the crowd for men's figure skating. And he's wearing an Oregon football hat!' Screw you Tony Dungy, screw the Colts, and screw Oregon.

Men's figure skating is cool though, those guys got skills.

For real though, go USA. I just watched Hannah Teter and Kelly Clark take home Silver and Bronze in the women's halfpipe... excellent work ladies. At the moment we've got 17 medals (5/5/7), with Germany trailing a distant second with 11. I love the Olympics.

I don't actually have much to file in my report today... could you tell? Ana-Marie Jones' keynote speech was awesome, I'm glad she works in Oakland. I also got a tutorial on open-source GIS mapping, which really only helped me understand how very little I know about it.

Also, I ate dinner in the hotel bar while watching women's ice hockey with a guy from St. Louis that works at a LHD and a girl from Vermont who now works at a fellow Advanced Practice Center in Oregon. Its nice to have Boston sports fans around to help you boo Peyton Manning when they show his face too many times on ESPN.

That's all I got. I'm tired, and tomorrow's flight back west promises to screw up my sleep patterns even more. At some point between now and Monday I have to find time to complete the mountain of work that awaits me.

Addendum:

Holy crap, I cannot believe I missed THIS! Downtown Atlanta, while I'm here? You've got to be kidding. Stupid GIS training session. I should have been out wandering along the highway.

Working Undercover for the Man: Part 2

I am once again operating on perilously low levels of sleep. I hope I'm not endangering the mission. Once I complete this report, its lights out.

Today began with a terrible realization... these people follow schedules down to the minute. They don't even respect 'Berkeley Time' (+10 minutes for those of you unfamiliar with this term). Not having fallen asleep until 2:30am due to my biological clock, I was nevertheless determined to make it downstairs to breakfast, which was being served from 7am-8am.

True to my nature I carefully calculated the maximum amount of sleep I could attain and still make it to the lobby by 7:59am. I awoke at 7:40, dragged my sorry ass into the shower, ironed my disguise, and hustled downstairs. It was 8:04am... and no breakfast in sight. Nothing but empty carafes, bowls of ice that once housed yogurt and several bagels waiting to be returned to the kitchen (one of them never made it back). I resorted to paying inflated Starbucks prices to feed my caffeine addiction. It was as if an army of caterers descended upon the breakfast spread at precisely 8:00 and executed a 3-minute cleanup with the precision of a cruise missile guidance system.

Most of the day consisted of attending 'sessions'. The morning opened with a keynote address by John Barry, author of 'The Great Influenza' and advisor to a bunch of so-and-so's about flu. The man knows his material, but I think he should stick to writing. I also attended sessions on Disaster Epidemiology & Surveillance, 'The Wild World of Public Health Labs', and 'Laboratory, Public Health Investigation, and Surveillance Performance Measures' for the CDC PHEP grant that goes to states and certain cities. I actually learned a fair amount and most were at least relativley interesting.

More importantly, I saw Alysia and Marissa from RIDOH (my former bosses), and discovered that there was a poster presentation from the one-and-only Kate McCarthy-Barnett, another former supervisor for an outreach program I worked with at Health. Kate wasn't actually there to present the poster, but it was semi-rewarding to see a project I worked on displayed at a national conference.

Last note: Best schwag out of all the booths and vendors displayed here is pictured below. Its a beer koozie from 'Morturary Response Solutions', basically they make high-tech body bags for mass fatality incidents. If you can't read the print on the koozie, it says 'When all that Remains, Are Remains'.

Working Undercover for the Man: Part 1

I've arrived. Everything has proceeded smoothly thus far. There was a slight hangup at SF International Airport when they had to reassign all the seats on our flight, but those savvy pilots made up for lost time in the air and I arrived here in Atlanta right on time... East Coast Time. Please blame any obvious delirium contained in this report on the three hours stolen from my psyche, hours I was depending on... but that I must carry on without.

This is my first covert assignment. I am posing as as adult, employed as a public health professional, and attending the 2010 Public Health Preparedness Summit. So far, I must admit, being an adult does seem to have its perks... your flight is booked and paid for by other people, at departure times of your choosing, you can take a cab to your hotel without worrying how much cheaper public transportation would have been and best of all, you get to sleep in the space station where they're holding the conference. Yes, space station...

If that is not space station-esque, I don't know what is. The Atlanta Marriott Marquis looks like a swanky alien palace from Star Trek: The Next Generation. I think I saw Commander Riker in the elevator tonight. Time has treated him well.

Anyways, do not fear... the lavish temptations of adulthood, as you well know, do not suit me particularly well. I see this brief mission as a chance to not only complete our objectives, but to hone my skills, as I realize this is not the last undercover mission this campaign will ask me to undertake.

For tonight, I leave you with photos of my quarters aboard Space Ship Hotlanta and one of my several disguises I'll be using while on mission. I will file my next report tomorrow.

Buzz Off

Dear Google,

Please don't add twitter-esque crap to my Gmail account without prior, written consent. I realize the market for social-networking software is sorely lacking and that its difficult for people to stay in touch these days... wait, nope.

Use this button, turn off Buzz...

Crosswalk Etiquette as a Reflection of Culture

Doesn't that title just grab you? Make you yearn for that 0ft-sought-after-yet-never-quite-grasped insight into crosswalks and societal norms?

No? Good, because nothing written here will ever encompass anything that people yearn for.

My observations are quite simple and obvious to anyone who has lived in both the northeast and the west coast, but I hope they serve as enlightment for those who don't have this experience:

• In the northeast, your only hope of crossing a busy street is to find a crosswalk that is actually accompanied by traffic lights. No one will ever voluntarily stop to let you cross. Ever.
  
• Because of the previous point, northeasterners are exceptional at darting across streets and through traffic, middle fingers at the ready, a hearty 'fack you!' ready to be let loose from the confines of their lungs. Rarely do they ever heed traffic signals or consider that 'jaywalking' might actually be a crime. That would be absurd.
  
• In California, when you encounter a crosswalk that is not accompanied by a set of traffic lights, they have installed special devices that cause all oncoming traffic to spontaneously brake as soon as you step onto said crosswalk.
  
• Yet, when crossing at intersections with traffic lights on the west coast, it is forbidden to cross if the Red Hand is displayed, as opposed to the Blue Walking Guy. To cross a street in violation of the traffic signal, even with no cars in sight, clear to the horizon, is to risk becoming the victim of vigilante justice by fellow law-abiding pedestrians. You will be lucky to escape with only the sting of incensed stares and judgmental denouncements.
  

Important Data

Walter Fredrick Morrison: 1920-2010

Tonight we mourn the loss of a hero.

Walter 'Fred' Morrison was the inventor of the 'Pluto Platter', the forerunner to the frisbee, created in 1948. In 1957 Morrison sold the rights to his design to Wham-O, the company which now produces flying discs under the trademark name 'Frisbee'.

Of course we all know that Discraft is the preferred disc of ultimate players everywhere, but Wham-O's sub-par design is certainly not the fault of Morrison.

I cringe to think of where my life would be without Mr. Morrison. Sure, my liver would be more functional, I would likely have a better short-term memory and most definitely would be able to bend my knees without any pain... but I wouldn't trade the parties, the east coast scavenger hunts, the ruined hotel rooms, the Kan-Jam, the landsharks, the heckling (oh the heckling!), the 18 hour van rides, the sub-freezing Live, Freeze, or Die's or the sweltering Wildwood's for any of that.

So tonight ultimate players, disc golfers (please don't call it 'frolf'), hippies and you people on the beach who embarrass yourselves with your 'barbecue backhand' raise a toast to the man who started it all. Here's to Walter!

Chips & Whiskey Do Not a Dinner Make

But they'll do in a pinch...

While we're on the topic, if you've ever considered a career in diplomacy and don't feel like taking the Foreign Service exam, read this.

I introduced former Secretary of Labor (and current public policy professor) Robert Reich to a moderate sized crowd of people tonight. Ignoring that I almost called the Dean of Public Health by his first name as I took the stage and only occasionally glanced at the audience as I read my pre-formed dribble, I think I did ok. I hate public speaking.

If you're not familiar with Reich's work, this video just about sums it up...

Some Brief Super Bowl Thoughts

• Dear God, please let the Saints win. Please, please, please. My hate for the Colts is only superseded by my love for the Patriots (and even then, only marginally). Thanks to Rex Ryan, I don't even hate the Jets that much.
  
• Peyton Manning is just the kind hateful robot that would deny his own storm-ravaged hometown their first Super Bowl victory. And after he was done giving lip-service to what a good game it was at the press conference, he'd go home and choke a kitten. He's sick.
  
• Its been wonderful to watch the rise in criticism of, and hate for, Colts fans, or as KSK has dubbed them, the 'fat humps'. As has been stated many times by other writers, they are a fanbase of fast-food munching, self-entitled whiners, and once Manning retires, they will likely lose all interest in their mediocre franchise. As a Boston sports fan, I know what its like to be loathed by the rest of the country, and I've come to relish it. What makes criticism of Colts fans so much better for me is that they simply can't understand why on earth anyone would disparage their mundane midwestern existence.
• It will be even more interesting to see how long it takes the country to begin hating the Saints once they win the Superbowl. With a championship under their belt and Katrina fading quickly from popular memory, they'll be left with nothing but their drunken, cajun, Bourbon Street identity. Without the underdog sob-story they're nothing but Boston fans without the Irish-Catholic guilt.
• Saints Defense: Drill Peyton Manning into the ground. Blitz. Blitz all day. Yes he will burn you for a couple touchdowns, but he'd do it anyways even you're running nickel and dime packages all night. Knock him down. I'm envisioning something like this...

• And lastly, if Obama is adept enough to weigh in on the need for a college football playoff system, surely he understands the importance of having Monday after the Superbowl be an observed holiday? Pull out that agenda item leading up to elections and I gauarantee you'll get some swing votes in red states.

Addendum 2/8/10:

• Thank you Super Bowl for being entertaining, and thank you Barack Obama for issuing an executive order that it be a close game. [Skip to the very end of the interview]
  
• More importantly, thank you Tracy Porter for making Peyton Manning's face do this...

• You can all now feel free to hate on the Saints... 'who dat' is only entertaining for so long.
  

Quarter Life Crisis, Blogging Too Much, and Finding a Hobby (Perhaps Blogging?)

When I was in high school my associates and I kept a notebook that detailed much of our plans directed at world-domination. We kept this notebook hidden in the attic of a church. I wonder where it is now, and if anyone is profiting off our brilliant ideas. It was green. If you have a green notebook with plans of this nature in it, please mail to the following address:

[Address redacted... what was I thinking?]

Thanks for the fruit basket, whoever you are.

My 25th birthday draws closer, and I'm excited about finally having lower car insurance rates, especially now that for the first time in my life I don't own a vehicle. Sure I don't need one to get around the Bay Area, but I have realized that its awfully difficult to escape beyond the confines of the BART system without your own motorized vehicle. Thus Steve's recommendation that I join him in becoming an owner and steward of old-school Land Rovers hasn't fallen on entirely deaf ears. In fact, his suggestion is playing very well into my current quarter-life crisis that has me simultaneously wanting a dog, a Land Rover, and total freedom from future career concerns. I figure all three are likely mutually-reinforcing, as I can certainly see myself not worrying about having a job once I graduate as long as I have a truck to sleep in and a dog that can keep me company (and warm).

Also, I completed and uploaded my fellowship application for funding my summer internship working with the UCSF malaria lab on a new malaria eradication project in Zanzibar. Should the fine folks at the Center for Global Public Health see it fit that I receive several thousand dollars to chase mosquitoes on the beach for three months, I will be just a bit surprised. It's actually quite an incredible project that is being funded by the Gates foundation, the first of its kind. I find that I continually fall ass-backward into advantageous situations that neither my work-ethic (or total lack thereof) nor my karmic balance would seem to warrant.

Lastly, it has been suggested that I need a new hobby (fixing old Land Rovers being a recent suggestion). At present time I tend to half-ass what you might call my hobbies, and so I now wonder, if I half-ass them, are they hobbies? Something for all of you with time on your hands (or feet) to ponder. I would venture that my current hobbies would be (1) coaching ultimate, (1.5) drinking, (2) trying to find time to cook, and occasionally doing so, (3) scraping by in school, and (4) keeping Eduardo company by writing entirely too often in this blog.

I've brainstormed some new hobbies, listed below in no particular order, I will be choosing 1-2 new hobbies soon based on their feasibility. Roughly one month after this selection, I expect that I will have to revisit this list and choose again... and again.

• Purchasing, fixing, and maintaining an old Land Rover [with the help of Land Rover Steve]
• Paying attention and working diligently in all of my classes
• Riding my bike for purposes other than commuting to school, the bar, and people's houses
• Hot-Air Balloon pilot lessons
  
• Actually investing time (not simply thought) in grocery-shopping and cooking
• Training for club ultimate tryouts in April, which will be meaningless if I go abroad for the summer... except that getting into good shape probably isn't meaningless in and of itself
• Engaging in a hyper-active letter writing campaign to Richard Branson in order to find work as a steward aboard a Virgin Galactic space ship
• I saw an ad for renting a sailboat to live on at the Berkeley marina. Mayhaps I could be a pirate? I'll have to figure out how to sail.
  

It is extremely likely that I will continue my pattern of dabbling in everything and obtaining expertise in nothing. At least I'll be able to carry on good conversation at cocktail parties.

A Reminder: Rhode Island is the Best

Here is just a small sampling of reasons why Rhode Island is easily the best state in the country. Most of these points are ingrained in my mind as lore, and thus I am not bothering to fact check and assess the accuracy of my fervrent beliefs, lest I be disappointed. If you feel obliged to ensure that some of these points are factually accurate I would be happy to receive your comments, so long as they don't conflict with my deeply-rooted beliefs that I will now set forth...

• Rhode Island was the first state to rebel against England when a small group of Rhode Islanders belonging to the Sons of Liberty attacked, boarded, looted, and torched the British tax ship Gaspee in Narragansett Bay on June 9th, 1772.
  
• Ironically, Rhode Island was the last of the original 13 states to sign the Constitution, doing so only after the other 12 states threatened to tax Rhode Island as a foreign nation.
  
• The Industrial Revolution in America began with the construction of Slater Mill in Pawtucket, based on designs that Samuel Slater smuggled out of England.
  
• Rhode Islanders like drinking. The White Horse Tavern in Newport is the oldest tavern in the United States.
• Rhode Island never ratified the 18th Amendment establishing prohibition. I told you we like to drink.
  
• Roger Williams is credited with establishing the first practical and functioning democracy when he founded Rhode Island after being kicked out of Massachusetts for his seditious ideas about free speech and freedom of religion. The founding fathers credited much of the first amendment to his ideas.
• Rhode Island has a long history of waspy pursuits, including the first Polo game played in the U.S. and housing the Tennis Hall of Fame. It also has the first carousel ever built in the U.S.
• It is the smallest state with the biggest name... officially 'Rhode Island and Providence Plantations'. Interestingly, there are no plantations remotely close to RI.
  
• Rhode Island is home to the largest bug in the world. Seriously.

• The X-Games began in Rhode Island in 1995.
• The Talking Heads started in Rhode Island.
  
• Rhode Island is home to toy-maker Hasbro, creators of such childhood wonders as Lincoln Logs, Cabbage Patch Kids, Mr. Potato Head, Easy Bake Oven, GI Joe, Transformers, Nerf, and Lite-Brite.
• We have the highest rate of illicit drug use in the country, and the highest rate of individuals who drink. Accordingly, Rhode Island made medicinal marijuana legal. We're really fun to hang out with.
• We get all four seasons, and we bitch and moan about each one of them.
  

Dog Fever: Phase III Clinical Trials

Despite the fact that there seem to be no epidemiological studies regarding the prevalence of Canis fibris, more commonly known as 'dog fever', nor any biological studies assessing the level of antibody response to any potential vaccines, I feel that it is my duty to move ahead with my own personal phase III trials of a live attenuated vaccine for this crippling illness.

Perhaps I should clarify... there's been an awful lot of talk about dogs around these parts. Steve has a dog (not to mention an ambulance tank), Fraser's household is getting a dog... dogs, dogs, dogs. Its an epidemic! I've got the fever and I feel as though the only cure is a live attenuated theraputic vaccine (read: puppy)... or more cowbell. When people are offering to check on the availability of free German Shepard puppies you simply can't say no.

Rushing into a phase III trial such as this is never the recommended course of action, but desperate times call for desperate measures. All you concerned public health professionals who don't actually read this might be thinking, 'but what about the potenial for adverse effects?' Well your concern is duly noted and it is not without great trepidation that I consider the options laid out before me:

1. Obtain said puppy, inject multiple doses of subsequent happiness, hope for a clinically significt immune response.
   
2. Delay aquistion of aforementioned vaccine until September, at which time studies asessing the potential for adverse affects and methods to minimize them will have been completed.
3. Decline to receive vaccine, hope that illness self-resolves in a reasonable amount of time.

The potential adverse effects are not to be taken lightly, and include the following: (1) consternation among roommates [mild to moderate risk], (2) anger and/or potential punititve action from landlord [mild risk], (3) decline in earning as a result of maintence costs [high risk], and (4) severe separation anxiety should malaria summer research project proceed as planned [moderate risk].

As editor-in-chief of this prestigious medical journal I would ask that my esteemed colleagues weigh in on the subject... this means you imaginary readership. The decision to proceed, delay, or cancel this trial will have to be made with all due haste.

~Dr. Wade Greenwood, Professor of Zoontic Illness

LOST, Shootouts at the OK Corral, and... well thats it

Dear BBC News,

I have often regarded you as a superior news source due to the fact that you're, well... British. Its not that I think the British are better or smarter than we Americans... quite the contrary, with the exception of maybe John Oliver, Ricky Gervais, and David Bowie (I'm only counting the living, I'm also a fan of Churchill, Lennon, Darwin, Tolkien and Alexander Flemming).

No, I'd hate to live on your rainy island full of rude people, but its precisely your 'get to the point', 'stiff upper lip' attitude that makes for reporters who the trim the bullshit out of news. You're also about 9 hours ahead of lazy California, so for reporting on the rest of the world, you're on top of it while I'm still asleep. But you ruined it for me today, and here's why...

Shoot Second in Gunfight, Study Finds... well of course that's listed on your homepage under 'Other Top Stories', who wouldn't want to read that? You'd never see that in the New York Times. Naturally I'm curious why I should wait to be shot at before returning fire. CLICK!

Oh, the actual title of the article is "People Are Quicker When Reacting Than When Initiating"... talk about a sexy title that really grabs you. Nevertheless, I read on... "Inspired by Hollywood, researchers have delved into the science of gunfights."

Timeout. Who are these researchers and how did they get IRB approval? I must know more... perhaps I can join their study for my summer internship (suck it malaria!)

"Pairs of participants were put in a button-pressing competition with each other. Each was secretly given instructions of how long to wait before pushing a row of buttons." This is getting lame...

And the clincher, "Dr Welchman explained that it took around 200 milliseconds to respond to what an opponent was doing, so, in a gunfight, the 21 millisecond reactionary advantage would be unlikely to save you."

So to recap, we went from "wait to get shot at before you fire back", to "people react fast when other people are pushing buttons", to "well, you should probably shoot that bastard first".

Thanks BBC. I'm not sure if you're aware of the tenets of AP Journalist style writing, but you're supposed to put the most important information at the beginning of the article and fill in the lesser details as you go along. You're going to have blood on your hands if you keep this up.

Speaking of shootouts...

LOST!

Yep, the beginning of the end is here. Season Six. I've been addicted since the first episode, so despite all the curiosity, frustration and rage it has cost me over the better half of a decade, I'm seeing it through 'til the end. People are obsessed with this show and thus we have innumerable amounts of fan websites, blogs, blah, blah, blah. People love talking about their theories, and I can't really comment on them because I haven't really read any of them.

I take an 'I'll wait in anxiety-induced agony' approach to LOST (it seems inappropriate to not capitalize all the letters... greating marketing folks they've got). I haven't really bothered to read lots of theories about what the hell is going on with that show because (a) JJ Abrams and his cronies haven't actually told that guy on the message board anything, (b) JJ Abrams did a really solid job of recreating Star Trek, and (c) I was raised Irish-Catholic, so by nature I don't question things I don't understand, I just wait until next week when more of God's truth is revealed.

The only theory I've developed is very simple, mostly because I don't have the time or willpower to go back through the last five seasons to see what events in the show do or do not support it (also I'm pretty sure theres lots of other people with this same theory).

1. The island is Eden
2. Jacob & 'the other guy in black' (aka New John Locke, aka Smoke Monster... Smoky John) are the angels that God placed at the east entrance of Eden after he kicked Adam & Eve out (Genesis 3:24)
3. Smoky John has fallen from grace because he's not down with how destructive and stupid we humans are (anyone seen Dogma?)
4. Smoke Monster killed Mr. Echo, and he was a badass religious guy. Smoke Monster must have felt threatened.
   
5. Jacob has risen again as Sayid to wage war on Smoky John. Season six should be action packed.
   

The fact that the season premiere of LOST was perhaps the most cathartic two hours of my life in the past couple months means I'm a pretty sad state of affiars. Maybe it was just the Maker's Mark...

Shut It Down!

Goodbye Twitter... you were a mildly intriguing experiment for a couple weeks, and then a bland one that sat around for a couple months. I never took the time to understand what the '#' and 'RT' and '@' meant in all that twitter jargon, perhaps that knowledge is the key to an enjoyable night at home with that little blue bird. Alas, I apparently just don't have the insight that celebrities, mildly illiterate pro athletes, and desperate corporations have.

Sorry crying blue bird, it IS goodbye. You just weren't enough for me... 140 characters? I need a social media tool that can handle at least 190, I have needs dammit! And this 'Okay, fine delete my account button'? Why the attitude? Can't this be civil?

At least I still have Eduardo the Pig Blog.

Why did I delete my Twitter account? Well I initially created it so that I could just post lots of links from the hours of wasted time I spend reading the news online. I quickly became annoyed with having to log into yet another website for which I could never remember the password just to post links to news that no one else cares about. Also, Twitter is like blogging for lazy, illiterate people. And I'm pretty sure bloggers are already pretty lazy.